Meeting R..

No one is more surprised than I am that I have met someone. His name is R and genuinely, he is one of the nicest men I've ever met. We have great banter and he is just wonderful to me and understanding. Best of all when we are together he makes me happy and it's so simple. 

I haven't spoken to TB since I left his. I don't plan to. He doesn't deserve me; boys like R do. Cannot wait for 2014 and the future...

It's over...

Done it. He's not worth it anymore. Our lives are so far apart and he doesn't treat me like I know I deserve... 

Nearly four years and on Saturday he made me feel like I was just sex, that's all he had to provide for me. Yes I need that, but I also need so much more than he can give me... So I've had enough, my mind is made up and I'm walking away, it's for the best... 

Emotions...

So I thought I'd be okay. And I'm really not. Going to make some changes so I really am okay... 

Went to see him. Standard stuff. Just TB and I being our usual selfs until this morning when he announced that he hadn't put Leeds in his top 5 places for next year. I had suspected but hadn't had this verified. I was tired and emotional and went quiet on him. Ended up crying... Again. 

Basically he said he couldn't move or expect me to wait around when he's not sure what is going to happen. He thinks that it wouldn't work with us, and if we tried, then we'd just mess it up so there is no point. 

He's going to move down south next year. I'm almost certain of this. And then I won't see him, unless I go via his on the way to my parents. But I doubt that will happen. 

I can't write anymore because I'm still so raw about it all. I'm sad because it's so obvious to me what we should do. But you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. That's life. And if one day it's right, then it will happen. 

Talking to Al...

My best friend. We had a storming row a few months ago and were totally brutally horrible/honest with each other. Since then things have been awesome. She's one of the only people that is anywhere near close to understanding me, my head and how I feel about TB. 

Today we had a long catch up conversation. And I mentioned that i have been hearing a lot from The Boy and I will be seeing him this Friday for a flying visit as I'm going to Birmingham to a party on Saturday. She's happy that I'm coping with my feelings about him now. For a long time; especially after the abortion, I couldn't cope. Now, I can deal with the fact that we're not, and may not ever be together and still have the most wonderful time with him. If we were together we'd just fuck it up now anyway, so actually a part of me just likes having the good stuff from a relationship. And 'that stuff' makes me feel rather good 😉.... I'll let you know how it goes... 

If only I had written this...

Being okay...

It's been a few weeks since I last updated. The weather has turned into winter and its best; freezing cold and sunny. 

I've been working really hard at work and trying to sort my head out so I can move forwards. Things with M have calmed down considerably and I move into my new place for a new start on Jan 3rd. That got me thinking about TB and how I need a new start/perspective on him in order for the move to feel successful.

I realise that I cannot just ignore him. It hurts too much because of my feelings. I also cannot expect anything to happen with him. Even though I know it's what both of us want. 

My new perspective is simply to take it for what it is: a great complicated relationship with the most beautiful man I've ever known. We may not end up together in the end and that is okay. I feel thankful that I've met someone that makes me feel the way he does. 

I think the next year will determine our lives for different reasons. If he moves to London then I doubt I will see very much of him and I may meet someone up here/ he will meet someone down there. However if he stays in our university town or moves to a Manchester/Yorkshire and we still see each other. Then things may become a little less complicated.

Time will tell. And to be honest, the prospect of this next year excites me. With or without him, I'm going to be okay. I'm just so thankful for experiencing the love he gives me. 

Dreams...

'Everytime I see you in my dreams, I see your face, it's haunting me, I guess I need you baby...'

I can't stop dreaming about TB. I wake up and I just want to cry. It's horrific. I just don't know what to do with myself. The dreams are either a) when he tells me he loves me and treats me perfectly or b) when I feel like I'm chasing him around a dream and he walks off and is with his friends. I guess you don't have to be a therapist to understand either of them given our past. 

I just want it all to calm down. I can't stop thinking about the times we've had together. The happiness and fun and whilst I'm so thankful that I ever got to experience that level of perfectness with a guy, it haunts me now.  

Lyrics of the week...

'Ain't it just like you to kiss me,

And then hit the road,

Leave me listening to the Stones,

2000 light years from home?'

- Arctic Monkeys

His birthday...

Today is TB's birthday. He has turned 23.

Yesterday after limited contact (one word responses etc) he messaged me asking what I was doing on my half term off this week. And he didn't stop speaking and asking things. I have a sneaky suspicion that this is because last time I saw him we'd agreed that I would see him today/tomorrow and due to fact he hasn't bothered, I've not mentioned it. 

I made a point of saying that I was seeing my friends. Mainly as a big F-You to him. I went out last night with said friends and he messaged me asking if I was drunk/had been sick yet. It was after midnight and I said no, but happy birthday and I sent him 'with or without you' via YouTube link as a present... 

Harsh? Maybe. He needs to hear it. I've had enough... 

'You give it all but I want more...'

Giving up and moving on...

I've said it before, 

I won't say it again,

Love is a game to you,

It's not pretend...

- Imagine Dragons 

It's all just a massive game to TB. Talk to me for a while, then I see him and it's wonderful/perfect, he might tell me I'm the One and that he loves me, then after I leave him he will speak to me for a week non stop then he ignores me until I get fed up, then he speaks again and the cycle starts again. It's been this escalating cycle for nearly four years and I'm getting a bit bored of it now.

I want out, permanently. And ultimately, I want someone that makes me feel the way he does when we're together.

Ahhhh, giving up and walking away... 

A new start...?

So I've found a new place away from M and a new start for 2014. For me, 2013 is a year that I'd rather forget. The year has just been so incredibly sad, full of arguments and general upset. Even the high points of the year; watching Al get married was marred by M being obnoxious and selfish on the day and ignoring me and my friends. 

I guess I need to move to make a fresh break. The house is shared and beautifully decorated inside. It's also around the corner from school so I can walk every day. It's going to be hard not seeing M everyday but I need this because we are still arguing occasionally and it's horrendous. All I want is for us to be normal friends. 

I don't want a boyfriend, the idea repulses me. I'm having minor flirtatious with a few guys, but I seriously don't want to commit at the moment... I'm too scarred now by TB and the arguments I had with M.... 

Lyrics of the week..

I've seen both the Goo Goo Dolls and Tom Odell live this week... Here are some of my favourites:

'Now I don't need boxes wrapped in string, or designer love or empty things, just a chance that we'll find better days'. - Goo Goo Dolls

'When you hold me, when you hold me in you arms, I can feel your heart beating' -Tom Odell

'I know what you told me, I know that it's all over, and I know I can't keep calling, cos everytime I do I keep on falling' - Tom Odell

The last one gets to me.. Tom Peter Odell; thank you...it's time to move on.

How I'm feeling...

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Demons - Imagine Dragons

Haunted

I said in my last post how I always feel like I'm haunted and forever changed now by TB. It's like everytime I find someone else, I compare them to him, even though I know he's not perfect either, no one ever measures up.

Since I last saw him contact was good to begin with, one day he didn't stop texting me and asking me stuff. Then the last couple of weeks things have cooled considerably. I understand why; he's scared, and he knows that together we are perfect but he knows that to make it work he's going to have to move. TB is 23 in a week, he's still a boy really....

Both of us are so busy, my new job is insane and I love it, but I'm working so hard at the moment. He is too; final year medicine, 90 miles away from me. How can I expect things to be okay and work out when everything is against us?

I truly believe that if it's meant to be then eventually it will work out. In the end, everything will be okay.Until then, there isn't much I can do other than leave him be and be thankful that I've gotten to experience a love and a feeling like I got when we were together... 

A weekend of 'perfect' love...

It's taken me nearly five weeks to write this post. I needed time to absorb what happened when I saw him and time to reflect....

As the title says, the weekend was absolutely perfect for me. It was exactly how it should be/feel like when you're with someone and it is totally right. It's that feeling now I'm comforted by, because I know that it exists and I'm lucky enough to have experienced it, but also it's haunts me... I'll explain a little more about that in the next post. Anyway, a little timeline of events...

I got there and as I said in the previous post, was a little nervous about meeting his friends. I had absolutely no need to be; both of the guys are lovely and one of them is so much like TB (The Boy) it's ridiculous. Ended up watching the football and straight from the off TB was all over me, arm around me etc. 

Eventually we were alone in his living room and he was talking about next year because he is currently applying around the country for his junior doctor training years. I asked him to come and be with me and do it at a hospital near me, (this is something that he suggested whilst drunk in July when I saw him). But I still can't believe I said it/ it came out. I've never asked him for anything before. 

I don't know what I was expecting from asking him. I guess I just wanted to lay my cards on the table and ask for what I wanted which was for him to at least try 'us'. To be fair to him, he's said that he'll think about it. But, I don't think it is going to happen, the poor boy is so young, it's a lot to ask of him to move to a new place and I really understand that. I will never ask him again for anything. That's it.

After that we ended up going to his room; having some pretty good sex (I was so nervous as it had been over a year!) and then were playing around and he lay on top of me and I decided that he was acting like a walrus - I've never laughed so hard, the pair of us were just there, lying in bed, and laughing so much.. He'd also exclaimed rather loudly that he was not a walrus and due to that his housemates heard and so they continued 'I'm the walrus' banter all weekend. Brilliant 😃. 

Cooked dinner for him and the guys and he was just so bloody wonderful, helping out, tidying (he's such a mess usually) and coming up behind me to give me hugs and kisses. Just basically everything that has been missing from a certain recent relationship. 

After dinner we went out, and went to a house party where I knew no one and they were all medics like him. And yes there were a fair number of girls there that in the past he has slept with. To be fair to me, I wasn't bothered at all. They're all girls that have never lasted more than one night and they were all lovely and welcoming to me. He left me to talk to people and I didn't even notice. Mainly because I love social gatherings but also because he'd introduced me to everyone which is something so alien to me. I went to find him in the kitchen (such a surprise) and he was like 'I left you, I'm sorry' and I just laughed because it was ludicrous! Anyway, seems that whilst I was gone talking, the girls had asked about what 'our' status was. He'd bloody told them that it was complicated and I'd only gone and said that we were friends.... Whoops!  

Following that bombshell we were getting ready to head into town and i was putting on my very sexy but incredibly-impossible-to-get-on stiletto sandals and he informs me that 'when you have my baby, don't worry I'll make sure that I sew you up nice and tight afterwards'. I just looked at him and laughed... And then said, currently we are not having kids, secondly if I were then you wouldn't be down that end sewing me up....! It's moments like that when I really think I bloody love him. Totally inappropriate, hilarious but actually an amazing thing to say with a lot of love in it.

We then went out in town and he was all over me in front of everyone who he'd said 'its complicated' to before. Completely like a puppy dog and just wonderful because I literally knew no one. There were helium balloons on our table and as boys will be boys, they all decided to sing 'bohemian rhapsody' with helium in their lungs (my song request!). Interestingly it was TB and Wel's boyfriend (the girl that TB was with for like a month three years ago) who were doing it. He's cool and again, a lot like TB. After the helium, one of his housemates took a photo of me and TB. It's amazing, we look so bloody happy and we were. Then we were just talking and he got the helium again and I said 'don't you dare tell me you love me again with helium in your mouth'. So what did he do? 'I love you'... Oh...

Ended up dancing and having an absolute laugh with everyone and then leaving, going home and having hard, hard sex... TB was pretty drunk by this point, so it really was frigging hard and powerful which I love... Ahhhhh. Attempted to do the dirty, however, didn't quite get in; maybe due to lubrication... Always next time 😉. 

I was freezing cold during the night because TB hates being warm and so has to sleep with the window open whatever the season. Got one of his tees and socks during the night and put them on. Next time I've told him I'm bringing a blanket which apparently is what his mum does! We ended up going to Tesco for breakfast and got goodies to make eggy bread. Amazing, yummy food. Walked around Tesco with his arm around me and carried the bags after. Like it's supposed to be...

Sunday day after eating, we basically just loved each other all day. I've never laughed so much and talked about so much different stuff. And had the most amazing, connective sex with someone... It was life changing for me, and I mean that. Whatever happens, I'll always remember how I felt with him that weekend and how that feeling is what I need to make me truly happy.

We discussed the five things that a guy needs (sex; food; sleep; beer; laughter/talking) and then I asked what I needed, he said: 'Passion, someone that let's you be yourself/doesn't restrict you' and I agreed and said 'What else? What do we do a lot of' and he said 'laugh'... Top 3 things for me. Always will be.

Due to tiredness during the afternoon, he'd said something silly about how 'I'd do' that got me a little emotional and for the second time ever (in nearly 4 years), I silently cried. He was brilliant, spoke about everything and he said he was scared and he wishes the circumstances allowed us to now be together and he doesn't expect me to wait a year when they only might change. He's absolutely right and but I wish it wasn't so bittersweet....

After my emotional 'breakdown' which lasted about 15 mins before he had me smiling again, we had lots of sex, possibly the best ever, and more laughter with a whale/walrus combo joke under the sheets (I was the whale!)... 

He then showed me this Vine clip of 'Kiss like a doggie' which had me in stitches... Then he kissed me like that... So bloody funny. Crying with laughter because he's so ridiculous and I love it!

I also told him about the fittest teacher at my new school that I go to the gym with. All the girls love him. And TB was a little jealous I think because he gave me two love bites on my neck so Mr Maths would see them when I was in school the next day. Amused me no end! I don't get jealous at all about other girls because they never last long, however someone got a little green...

We then watched the 'Up' intro because it's amazing and he wanted to show me it. I want to be like that old couple with someone, even him. We'd be amazing at 70 I think, still laughing and being ridiculous... That's all I bloody want with The One.. 

I drove him to squash and that was it. My perfect weekend was over...

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

The can't-sleep-too-excited insomnia

So it's 7.15am on a Saturday morning and I didn't go to sleep until after midnight. Way too hyped up about seeing The Boy in a matter of hours. 

M is away on his stag do (the one that meant he didn't have the money to go away with me this summer-priorities) and I am heading slightly south to see The Boy.

I realised last night that it is only a 90 min drive. Told him and he was surprised to. The plan is to chill out together today, I'm making enchiladas tonight for him and his housemates and then going out with even more of his friends to celebrate a birthday. These are all his friends from his course, I know none of them. The ones that I know are his friends from before but they graduated last year as his course is five years not three. Those are the friends that love me. The ones today I'm not even sure know a) that much about me even though I've been around for 3+ years and b) haven't spoken to me before. I bit nervous but I'm going to completely win them over by being my usual lovely, social able self. 

Fun times! Will let you know how it goes! 

Annoyed...

I'm a little irritated. I haven't heard from The Boy since Friday night. Usually he's all over the PM on social networking but he read my one message last night and hasn't bothered to reply. 

It's times like this when I actually don't think that I can wait around for him to behave like he cares about me. It's irritating and immature. He's (like M) very self centred and selfish (aren't all boys?!) and I'm not sure how much I can deal with.

He's probably busy, but then, drop me a message, that's all it takes, to let me know you're thinking about me. This for me, is why it wouldn't work at the moment with him, I knew regardless of what he said last time we were together, he hasn't fully changed. He wants me, but doesn't know how to act to make that happen.

 It's not enough for him to tell me that I'm the One, I need him to show me. Especially when I'm the one always going to see him etc (I'm the one with a car/money). Actually really annoyed...

My mood...

It always completely takes me by surprise that my mind and happiness is dependent on someone elses mind. For example if someone texts you/ messages  you then your day is automatically better. It really upsets me when I don't hear from The Boy for more than a day.... And M. Yet each of them serve a different purpose... Even my friends, if I don't hear from them then I'm upset! Very odd... My challenge as I get older is to take responsibility for what I can control; my actions and thoughts and to care less about what others do...

Wild...

Yesterday M told me that I was wild and un-tameable. It was kind of out of the blue and made me think about this quote below. I absolutely agree with him. From his perspective there is nothing that he can do to 'get me' as such. The damage had been done a long time ago.

Why, also, do we live in a society where men need to tame women or to be fair, vice versa? It seems like it's a big game and I really despise game-playing. Surely we should meet someone who is right for us and it just works?! There is only one person who I have been with who it works with on every level. And we're not together, nor may we ever be. 

Thoughts.... 

Since I last saw him...

I didn't put this in the last post as I was trying to concentrate on describing what happened when I saw The Boy and after with M. However as I mentioned the last few weeks have been hell...

M and I have completely broken up. I have no feelings for him anymore in terms of physical sexual desire. After seeing The Boy I knew that it was over as  for me, only The Boy makes me feel like that at the moment. (The man, as I've said before, is a God in the bedroom...!)

I've heard from The Boy nearly everyday since I saw him. We did some very naughty SnapChat exchanges one night two weeks ago. I couldn't sleep for ages after because I was so turned on. Usually though we don't mention anything to do with feelings or sex. Just general updates which is reassuring because I didn't want everything to change after seeing him. I did however go out and get horrendously drunk one night with a friend and may have sent him some emotive messages. I pretty sure he thought it was hilarious though, as did I, once my hangover had subsided.... I really need to learn to stop being a 'lover' when I drink! 

Anyway, things are okay, just need to get through the next week or so with a holiday and wedding with M... 

The BIG update...

This is my first current post on this blog (the others have been carried over from a previous blog) and it has taken me four weeks to get my head together and write this update as so much as happened.

I moved in with M despite knowing that things were not right. I guess I did it because I wanted to make them work even though it has been increasingly obvious that he cannot give me what I need or want from life. All we do is fight. And then he shouts, and I cry. We don't have sex, at all. He simply is not interested. This, according to my friends, is a reflection on him and not on me. Simply put, he is a sorry excuse for a man when he had a good girl in his life.

I decided against my better judgement to go and see The Boy four weeks ago. I told M that others would be there. But I lied; it was just me and him. I got there absolutely shattered after being abroad for four nights. He was wonderful. We just sat chatting and he fed me blueberries to make me laugh. The interesting thing is that even though we hadn't seen each other for a year, things were still exactly the same. I still feel funny when he looks at me or says my name (something that M never does) and that confused me a bit. We went out for dinner and drinks and halfway through the evening he turned around and said 'I guess I'm going to lose my bet with BF'. BF is his best friend and apparently he told him that The Boy would end up marrying me. After that he told me that I was 'the one', that he wanted to be with me, that no one else has come close and I'm his perfect girl...

He has reservations (distance, the fact that I am a career girl and he wants someone to settle down and have babies with) and under the influence of copious amounts of beer he informed me that he'd move to be with me. I listened to all of this and didn't know what to say. Yes, I feel the same way, but it scares me beyond all recognition that he said those things to me. I was okay and had dealt with not being with him, and things not working, but now, that has been blown out of the water.

The next morning I asked him if he meant what he said, and he said yes. Then we kind of agreed that neither of us is sure how is it going to work, at least for the foreseeable future. We live 90 minutes away from each other. He no longer has a car and for the next few years he will be studying hard for his chosen career path. I am 28, have a brilliant new teaching job and have just moved into a city that I love. I am not willing to put that on the line and similarly I don't want him to change his plans for me. I think what will be, will be and eventually things will work out exactly as they should. If they don't then it's not the end.

I met his parents in the afternoon which was a significant thing for both of us. They haven't met any of his lady-friends before and I hadn't met them, so I was nervous. They are exactly like him and so obviously proud of him and how well he is doing with his studies (something that his mum and I agree on). They were lovely though, and maybe in the future we will meet again. Who knows?

I left after lunch and we both said that we adored each other. I've told him that I won't use the word 'love' until we're in a proper relationship. I drove home for 2.5 hours in tears, overwhelmed by absolutely everything.

I got home, back to M's flat and went to bed, not sure how to react to him. He came in and didn't hug me or anything. That was the moment that I was absolutely certain that we needed to break up. So I am currently typing this from the spare room where I will reside for the next six months before I move after Christmas. M and I are not together, he knows nothing of the heartache with The Boy and all he has asked is that we don't date other people until I move. We are still going to do things together, but as friends. That's all. The last three weeks of this have been hideous and now, we're going away for four nights that I booked pre-break up. Should be fun....

An illness...

Original post: Wednesday 8th May 2013

I currently am off work as I have glandular fever. Leaves me a lot of time to ponder and think about how best to move on for my own happiness in the future. So last night I was laying in bed thinking about M and The Boy. Quite simply, as I told one of my friends at the weekend, I'm scared that I'm going to walk down the aisle on my wedding day to M (we've talked about the future) and at the moment, I'm scared that I'll wish that it was someone else I was marrying and not him.

 

The reason I feel this? Because sometimes he is so thoughtless to the type of boyfriend that I need. I need someone that takes into account my feelings and makes me an obvious part of their life. When he acts in that way, I say something to him and he goes mad at me because he doesn't understand and we argue in the most horrific way. Anyway, I digress...

I guess the key for me is my happiness. I want to be myself again. Maybe that's why I talk to The Boy, he just makes me laugh so much. We are so similar in some respects. Just at the wrong point in our lives, I guess. The reason why I stay with M is because I want him to be the perfect guy, I never would have committed to him otherwise. It's due to that commitment that I stay around now...

A year on: The Boy

Original post: Tuesday 7th May 2013

As mentioned in the previous post, in order to be with M, I felt like I had to give up/let go all of my feelings aboutThe Boy. I did it at the beginning when things were good with M. But for the last 5 months I've felt myself being more and more drawn back into my old feelings with The Boy. We still speak on most days, and nothing has ever happened/will happen because I really don't want to cheat but I kind of thought that if I'd found someone else he wouldn't want to know/I'd not need to speak to him anymore. Turns out I do... 

I make a point not to speak to him about M as I don't think it is fair. I dreamt about him the other night, woke up with a big smile of my face because it was so funny. Lately I haven't been smiling about being with M because I really don't feel like he cares about me at all. With The Boy and I it was so simple when we were together. With M, I always feel like its a struggle being happy with him.

A year on: M

Original post: Tuesday 7th May 2013

I have a boyfriend, M. We've been together for a year. I never thought I would give up The Boy for anyone but I did. Things haven't gone smoothly though. At the start they were perfect. Now they're a mess and I really don't know whether to stay with someone that offers me a future but at the same time doesn't make me feel like the 'One'. Seems like we stay together because he realises that he couldn't do any better (everyone says it, including his friends) and I stay because I hope he will change and be the person I need. Only time will tell...

May 2012: The Boy and meeting M

Original post: Thursday 9th May 2013

Earlier I deleted a post about the Boy and what happened when I last saw him. Basically last May (2012), I saw him two weekends in a row. The first weekend was the last weekend of football. So we watched the last day of the season with his friends, played this insane drinking game and ended up stumbling upstairs together where... And again...

That evening he told me that I was perfect. And that he basically understood me and that for him, no one else has come close. I tried to be as honest as I could back, and I left the next day feeling bittersweet but okay about it.

The following week he invited me back over for the CL final. My team bloody won the thing, but I stupidly got battered and even to this day, I can't remember a lot of the game. His friends and him were not that drunk and so, I felt ridiculously drunk next to their sobriety. Even now I cringe... The next day I was incredibly hungover, we had a relatively good time and I left...

By this point I had not only dated other people but I'd also just started texting M on the day before the second weekend. My life was spiralling out of control in terms of emotions but I guess for me, I couldn't stay away from The Boy... I needed to almost see him just one final time. The first weekend was absolutely amazing and showed me exactly what I deserved. I had a feeling then that M would become something special, and maybe visiting The Boy was to prepare me for that.

Two years on: The Boy

Original Post: Sunday 29th April 2012.

I've been dating. Lots. I've had so much fun and visited areas of the north that I've never been to before. Also went climbing with a guy and broke my elbow. Wonderful...

Moving on...

The Boy and I have been in contact. I am going to see him and his friends in two weeks time. Possibly will be the last time. He is moving house at the end of the year. Also his wonderful friends graduate this year. It just so happens it will be the last day of the football season when I visit. It will be an absolute riot of fun. He will no doubt attempt to get involved and know nothing...

I know it is going to be good seeing him, his friends know and one of them posted online earlier that I was visiting and duly invited to join in the football banter. I just wonder what the sex will be like....

In the words of Lana...

'It's you, it's you, it's all for you, everything I do, I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you...'

Cannot believe it has now been two years...

One of my friends said to me the other day:

'Accepting something and it not hurting are two different things'.

She was right. I accept it, and I know we could not be together, but it still hurts...

Music and Lyrics

Original post: Sunday 19th February 2012.

I am always surprised how songs remind me of certain people/situations. For instance 'Paradise city' by Guns & Roses is mine and my best friends' song. When I hear it, or she does, one of us will contact the other and we proceed to dance our way through the song regardless of where we are. It reminds me of when life was simplier and having fun was all we cared about.

Interestingly the person who many songs remind me of is The Boy. I think this is because we always listen to music together (and we have the same taste) and additionally we have a thing about texting/inboxing each other lyrics of songs which remind us of the other. That said, my major problem now, is those songs are the ones that I still want to listen to because they are my favourites but additionally they are also ones that remind me of him. Here are some artists/songs/lyrics which remind me of him:

1. All I Want Is You - U2.
 Our ultimate song. We had amazing sex to this once, and since then for both of us, it has been the one that always is our song.

2. Your Beautiful - James Blunt.
Not a favourite of mine but he sang it to me at the beginning to try and get into my bedroom. It didn't work!

 3. Adele - 21 album -
I'll Be Waiting - 'Time against us. Miles between us. Heavens cried I know I left you speechless'
Rolling in the Deep - 'We could have had it all...you had my heart inside your hands and you played it to the beat'
One and Only - 'I don't know why I'm scared, because I've been here before, every feeling every word I've imagined it all.'


 4. Cryin' - Aerosmith.
 'It's down to me, I've got to tell you one thing, that's been on my mind, oh I've got to say, we're partners in crime, you've got that certain something, what you give to me, takes my breath away'...

5. Everlong - Foo Fighters. 'And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could feel this real forever, if anything could feel this good again...'

6. Lana Del Rey -
Born To Die - 'Come take a walk on the wild side, let me fuck you hard in the pouring rain, you like your girls insane',
Blue Jeans - 'Blue jeans, white shirt, walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn'.
Dark Paradise - 'And there's no remedy for memories your face is like a melody; it won't leave my head'.

7. With or Without You - U2 -  Another text special. Sent to me because he heard it:
 'See the stone set in your eyes, see the thorn twist in your side, I wait for you...'
I think Bono wrote this to describe me and The Boy. It simply for me is exactly how I feel


 As you can see, this is a long list, and by no means exhaustive.

I love music, so much. But sometimes it is so inconvenient when trying to get over someone...

This hurts and it's hard...

Work hell...

Original post: Tuesday 7th February 2012

So I've been in work hell for the last few days. There has been massive amounts of work to do as we have an inspection so it's all a little crazy...

I have had a lot of contact from The Boy. We were chatting online on Saturday night. Then on Sunday, he text me out of the blue during a football game I was watching with Perfect Ten. I just sent some banter back. Then yesterday, he randomly inboxed me saying that 'iPod shuffle strikes again, 'all the promises we make from the cradle to the grave'...'

Basically the song is our song; U2 - All I want is you. It's a killer for me, I hate hearing it now. It just reminds me of him and a time where things were less complicated. I guess he feels the same, that or he is playing games.

Just so many things that remind me of him...

Thinking... <3

The perfect Sunday with The Boy...

Original post: Thursday 2nd February 2012

I saw the boy on Sunday and pretty much had the perfect day...

We watched the tennis, a bit of football, had amazing banter, laughed a lot, ate... oh and other stuff, a lot. :)

I kind of forget when I don't see him like that just how well we get on. In addition, how really, this is how it should be...

I've said in previous posts how well I get on with his friends. His best friend text The Boy during the day saying I had to make me stay over because he wanted to see me. I didn't stay over (had to teach in the morning) but I stayed pretty late. His BF said that we would end up getting married. I said no way, as (and this explains everything) I would give the Boy everything and he could give me nothing back in return. The Boy's response... 'Hell yeah'. Immature!

I sit and wonder what it would be like in a few years when he is ready to settle down (he is still playing around but it really doesn't bother me) but then I think, why should I wait? I know he feels the same as me so what the hell are we doing? If he was emotionally ready then I would be with him in a heartbeat, but realistically I know that I'm probably going to meet someone else before he does...

My friends are not happy about me going over there. I guess they are trying to protect me because they know that I compare everyone to him. Maybe I do, but at least my standards are high so when the guy comes along then I will know...

Finance guy ended it on Monday, I was relieved. I knew it wouldn't have worked anyway. There was no spark at all. Especially after seeing The Boy on Sunday. It wouldn't be fair to pretend that everything was okay.

I know one day I will give The Boy up. I've just got to meet the guy. Perfect Ten got pretty close, and I was willing to give up The Boy. However that ended and now we are just friends. I'm seeing him this weekend actually, to watch the football. I'm going to be truthful and tell him everything about The Boy from the beginning. I couldn't do that before, I was too scared of fucking it up. Now at least I can be honest with him and see what he says I should do...


In the words of Lana....


Feet don't fail me now
Take me to the finish line
All my heart, it breaks every step that I take
But I'm hoping that the gates,
They'll tell me that you're mine
Walking through the city streets
Is it by mistake or design?
I feel so alone on a Friday night
Can you make it feel like home, if I tell you you're mine
It's like I told you honey

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words
This is the last time
Cause you and I, we were born to die

Lost but now I am found
I can see but once I was blind
I was so confused as a little child
Tried to take what I could get
Scared that I couldn't find
All the answers, honey

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words,
This is the last time
Cause you and I
We were born to die
We were born to die
We were born to die

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words
This is the last time
Cause You and I
We were born to die
We were born to die

The Boy... Six months later (Jan 2012 edition...)

Original post written: Tuesday 24th January 2012


So since August The Boy and I have kept in contact regularly. Mainly asking about work etc. Just nice, normal conversation. Then in December when I met Mr Perfect Ten I freaked out. The Boy had texted and I decided to see him one last time. Big mistake: At this point I hadn't slept with Mr Perfect Ten and I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't seen The Boy...

Drove to see him in December before Xmas, got there at 1am... Crazy sex all night, then he asked why my friends hated him. So I told him about the abortion. Told him how I felt, how he makes me feel, and basically just laid my cards on the table. Then I said I thought I had met the guy (Mr Perfect Ten)...
He reacted pretty well. I think he's finally grown up and understood how much he had hurt me in the past and how much I had gone through without him knowing (the abortion). Afterwards, we had the most amazing sex ever. When we were lying down after, he kept saying 'Wow, wow'. I left the next day saying I would keep in touch, but for me, that was it... I honestly think he understood.
Obviously I got back, had terrible sex with Perfect Ten and we broke up. The Boy knows about this and said I need to visit. After Mr Indie he said I had to. So this Sunday I am going, just for some fun, because he makes me laugh and we have a good time together.

This is going to be interesting if I see him I think, mainly because he knows now that I am dating older men, and I'm not sure he likes it, mainly because they have ten years on him. Additionally because he knows I'm trying to replace him and the fact that my sex-scale is named after him... He's a 10 on the scale and everyone else is simply competing to be as good as him. Brummie got close in terms of skills but The Boy has the emotional, magnetic attraction too and that cannot be taught.

Six Months Later

Original Post: Tuesday 24th January 2012

I lost a lot of weight from teaching full time, people are telling me I am too thin. I feel great though!

And then there are matters of the heart....

I've dated a lot since I moved up north. I think I finally realised that I needed to let other guys in after only sleeping/seeing The Boy for 18 months. It was hard to begin with, but a lot of fun...
I dated a guy from Birmingham in October. By far the naughtiest man I've ever been with.. We did Skype sex, video exchanges and lots of other things. However we live too far away for anything to be long-term so I let that go pretty quickly.

Then there has been:..

1. Perfect 10 - Dated him for just over a month, perfect looking, no connection in bed and didn't really want to commit. Argument and then it was over just before I went away at Xmas. I was sad, now I can see it would never have worked (see the next post as to why)...

2. Indie - Random find.  Told me I was the girl, text me constantly 24/7, then we saw each other everything was great, lots of banter. And then it didn't work. He lived far, far away, at least 3 hours. Not good.
3. Mr Finance - My current date. Super tall. Okay but no real spark... waiting for the electricity so to speak.

 So I am dating Mr Finance... Oh and seeing The Boy on Sunday...

Mixed

Original post: Monday 22nd August 2011

As you know, I moved into my new flat up north last week. I bought a car last week too and posted a photo on Facebook for my friends to see.

Of course The Boy had to comment. All my friends saw the comment and it was taking the piss out of me having P plates. This, coming from the guy that drives a GOLD car... Seriously?!

Moving on, my friends say that he is in love with me. I don't think so. Love to me means that there are three essential ingredients: Passion, intimacy and commitment. The Boy does not have/want the latter.

Chatted him today online to basically fight my corner over my plates. It was fine, he seems just normal with me which is good.

You and I...

The reply to the text...

Original post: Sunday 14th August 2011

I text back The Boy last night. Remember that he had said he wished he lived closer to Bournemouth? Well here are the replies...

Me: Heard 'Your beautiful' by Mr Blunt today, just not as good as a certain someone drunkenly singing it to me... xx


The Boy: What can I say? I have a gift ;P.. xx

Me:  Maybe, personally I think your talents lie elsewhere.
The Boy:  Well lets see what Napa has to say about that...xxx
Me: Your going to Napa? How very old school. Enjoy, I'm moving tomorrow. xxx



I don't think he will reply. He has no need to. He now knows that I am moving up north today and therefore will be 2 hours plus away from him. However, and this is something that has confused me, why did he text the other day? He knew then that we were far away, he said he wished he lived closer to Bournemouth. What was the point?


Sometimes I fantasise that one day we will be together. Then I know, the reality is that it will not happen. For me, he ticks all the boxes and he just does *it* for me. However there is one problem, and that is his age. He is simply not ready to be in a relationship like the one I want. This is why I think I react well to him sleeping with other women, seeing other girls, because I know that one day he will not want to do that and now he is 'getting it out of his system'.


I used to feel like I'm selling out if I do not wait for The Boy. Recently though, and it has taken me a long time to get this far, I have realised that right now, he is not good for me. I need someone to pick me up and cocoon me in a warmth of love.
This means I need to let The Boy go....

The Boy, 2011 (Jan-August) edition

Original post written on 13/08/2011


The Boy visited in late-January. Bad move, never again; terrible sex (first time for everything as it was always amazing),  I didn't feel much for him (taking a wild guess here but I think after December anything was going to be weird when we both realised we liked each other). Also, I got pregnant from our encounter.

He doesn't know. I hope I never have to tell him. I knew he agreed with abortion and never would have gone through with it without his consent otherwise. I was 14 weeks, huge, pregnant with twins (thank you pre-abortive scan) and went through the damn thing alone. However, I have never regretted my decision or hated him for it. I just think it was something that happened and I dealt with it. It wasn't nice, I almost failed teacher training because I got so sick after it, but I did it. Moving on...

We had no contact from the end of January - May. I tried, but he really wasn't interested and I think he had a lot on with his studies (he does a high-flying intensive course at Uni) and perhaps maybe a girl on the scene I thought at the time. Now though, I sincerely think he was just rather busy and things were weird in Jan. I digress...

I finally saw him in June. I had been texting/keeping in contact with him and his wonderful friends from May.
Spent the night with him at a party at Uni. He was severely intoxicated that evening, followed me around and told me he loved me. Went home together, etc... The next morning, nothing... He apparently couldn't remember saying anything to me, I didn't push him (and I certainly did not tell him what he said to me). Whether he can't remember (or can) is anyone's guess. The problem of us showing our true feelings to each other is something that has been around from the beginning and to be honest, I am tired of trying to figure it out after 18 months...

I left him in June 2011 knowing that unlike June 2010, it would not be so easy to see him. I was now a qualified teacher and had a job up north, a considerable distance from Uni and his hometown down south. He knew and still knows that I will not make the effort to see him if he doesn't do the same in return. The last thing I said to him as I kissed him on the cheek was 'I will see you, it is inevitable'. He nodded...I think we both know that distance will not keep us apart for another year... It will have to be something stronger (this...is the rest of my story later!)

By my birthday a month later in July 2011 (after sitting and thinking about him throughout June) I came to a conclusion; If he did not wish me a 'happy birthday' then that was it. I would, and i really meant my promise, get over him.

9.30PM on my birthday? guess who texts me the most banterous, hilarious, made-me-smile-so-thoughtful message? THE BOY.


I replied, then nothing.... Until last night, a month later... The Boy heard our song (U2 - All i want is you), and had to text me and tell me about it. I text him asking what it made him feel. He said 'like I wish i lived closer to you'.

The Boy, 2010 edition

Original post written on 13/09/2011

It is important that you understand the background of the 'situation' as I will call it...

So... in the words of Taylor Swift 'the Story of Us'....

End of March 2010: Went on a night out at my Uni (I was in my final year then). I had a brilliant night and at the end one of my friends showed me my 'perfect guy' who was dressed as Aladdin. We exchanged numbers (no kissing/physical contact). And that was it... I met The Boy. He was absolutely hammered and cannot remember that meeting, even now.

I was leaving Uni to start teacher training in June so from the beginning with The Boy I told him that I just wanted someone to hang with. However I said to him that I didn't want to be the girl who he just slept with at  the end of the night when he couldn't pull. This, for me, meant that neither of us thought that it was acceptable for us to play outside each other. To kind of seal the deal, I made him wait for sex. We didn't sleep together until the May, and kudos to him, I put him through a lot. However, and I've got to say this, it...was...and....still...is...the...best...sex...of...my...life.

The Boy is called The Boy because he is so young. Five years younger than me if we are being statistical. However, we *click* and this is something that I wasn't bargaining on. I fell for him during our time together, but I knew at the same time that nothing would be permanent  between us because I was leaving/finishing university and starting my teacher training. 

I broke it off in June 2010, after a few weeks,  because (and he doesn't know this) I guessed that he had been with other girls. I later had this verified by his friends who are (and I think this is a testament to him as a person) the loveliest group of guys and I genuinely liked them as people.


When I left in June 2010, I honestly thought that was it. I got a job for the summer and tried to forget that it had happened. However my girlfriends all said to me that I did the right thing. I still maintain that I did. For me, with The Boy, he is not the same as other guys from my past. I totally understand him as a person, I know that he is young and wants to be free. However I also know how much he enjoys having a girl around. He is selfish, totally insecure but at the same time all of these qualities are endearing and I accept them because I know what he does is not done out of spite because he is a player or a bad person. He is just young, naïve and wants to have fun and not miss out. This, from my point of view is fine and I would be a terrible person for wanting him to be any different.

At the end of August 2010, he contacted me one late night after work, asking how I was. To cut a long story short, I saw him a few days later, he told me he had missed me and didn't know what to do about it, he stayed over. We kept in contact over the next month or so. He then got a girlfriend from his course at university and surprisingly, and this is weird considering my feelings, I was so happy for him. I knew he genuinely liked her and I thought it was good for him. It didn't last with them, she basically couldn't trust him I think, which considering his reputation at the time would be difficult for any girl of his age.

After they broke up, The Boy got back in touch (Dec 2010) and told me that the girl from his course didn't make him feel anything like he felt like when he was with me. I guess I knew what we had was special because when were/are together I feel like this is 'it'. We compliment each other really well I think. Both very different but similar. I guess I was surprised because I didn't think that he would get 'it' (mainly due to his age). Clearly he felt something. I saw him (remember at this point we were an hour from each other, but not studying in the same place) just before Christmas 2010 and it was just like before, except I think it was better because we understood each other more. Furthermore I felt, and this is something that had developed  over the course of the year, he had become more mature with girls and a nicer person/less arrogant.


2010 ended with me and him knowing I think that it couldn't work long term, but how we were ever going to stop seeing each other, I don't think either of us knew....

A Background...

This blog is predominantly about Love.

 Previous to engineering this blog, I wrote another blog that basically became my saviour when things were tough. The first task for me is to transfer these old posts onto this blog as they are important to understand me and my life.

As for me, I am 28 year old female that currently lives in the north of England. I teach at a secondary school here and moved after I had completed my teacher training at a Russell Group university (I am originally from the south). I love the city where I live and have met my current boyfriend, M, here. We have been together for just over a year.

I am athletic, intelligent and prone to speaking my mind. I am confident and love meeting new people/experiencing new things.  I do however shut myself down emotionally when things are not going right. I am not the best writer in the world, and for that I can only apologise for future spelling/grammatical errors. I need this blog to help numb the pain of certain situations and also, as a reflective activity in the future. I believe in learning fully from the past.