I moved in with M despite knowing that things were not right. I guess I did it because I wanted to make them work even though it has been increasingly obvious that he cannot give me what I need or want from life. All we do is fight. And then he shouts, and I cry. We don't have sex, at all. He simply is not interested. This, according to my friends, is a reflection on him and not on me. Simply put, he is a sorry excuse for a man when he had a good girl in his life.
I decided against my better judgement to go and see The Boy four weeks ago. I told M that others would be there. But I lied; it was just me and him. I got there absolutely shattered after being abroad for four nights. He was wonderful. We just sat chatting and he fed me blueberries to make me laugh. The interesting thing is that even though we hadn't seen each other for a year, things were still exactly the same. I still feel funny when he looks at me or says my name (something that M never does) and that confused me a bit. We went out for dinner and drinks and halfway through the evening he turned around and said 'I guess I'm going to lose my bet with BF'. BF is his best friend and apparently he told him that The Boy would end up marrying me. After that he told me that I was 'the one', that he wanted to be with me, that no one else has come close and I'm his perfect girl...
He has reservations (distance, the fact that I am a career girl and he wants someone to settle down and have babies with) and under the influence of copious amounts of beer he informed me that he'd move to be with me. I listened to all of this and didn't know what to say. Yes, I feel the same way, but it scares me beyond all recognition that he said those things to me. I was okay and had dealt with not being with him, and things not working, but now, that has been blown out of the water.
The next morning I asked him if he meant what he said, and he said yes. Then we kind of agreed that neither of us is sure how is it going to work, at least for the foreseeable future. We live 90 minutes away from each other. He no longer has a car and for the next few years he will be studying hard for his chosen career path. I am 28, have a brilliant new teaching job and have just moved into a city that I love. I am not willing to put that on the line and similarly I don't want him to change his plans for me. I think what will be, will be and eventually things will work out exactly as they should. If they don't then it's not the end.
I met his parents in the afternoon which was a significant thing for both of us. They haven't met any of his lady-friends before and I hadn't met them, so I was nervous. They are exactly like him and so obviously proud of him and how well he is doing with his studies (something that his mum and I agree on). They were lovely though, and maybe in the future we will meet again. Who knows?
I left after lunch and we both said that we adored each other. I've told him that I won't use the word 'love' until we're in a proper relationship. I drove home for 2.5 hours in tears, overwhelmed by absolutely everything.
I got home, back to M's flat and went to bed, not sure how to react to him. He came in and didn't hug me or anything. That was the moment that I was absolutely certain that we needed to break up. So I am currently typing this from the spare room where I will reside for the next six months before I move after Christmas. M and I are not together, he knows nothing of the heartache with The Boy and all he has asked is that we don't date other people until I move. We are still going to do things together, but as friends. That's all. The last three weeks of this have been hideous and now, we're going away for four nights that I booked pre-break up. Should be fun....
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