Wild...

Yesterday M told me that I was wild and un-tameable. It was kind of out of the blue and made me think about this quote below. I absolutely agree with him. From his perspective there is nothing that he can do to 'get me' as such. The damage had been done a long time ago.

Why, also, do we live in a society where men need to tame women or to be fair, vice versa? It seems like it's a big game and I really despise game-playing. Surely we should meet someone who is right for us and it just works?! There is only one person who I have been with who it works with on every level. And we're not together, nor may we ever be. 

Thoughts.... 

Since I last saw him...

I didn't put this in the last post as I was trying to concentrate on describing what happened when I saw The Boy and after with M. However as I mentioned the last few weeks have been hell...

M and I have completely broken up. I have no feelings for him anymore in terms of physical sexual desire. After seeing The Boy I knew that it was over as  for me, only The Boy makes me feel like that at the moment. (The man, as I've said before, is a God in the bedroom...!)

I've heard from The Boy nearly everyday since I saw him. We did some very naughty SnapChat exchanges one night two weeks ago. I couldn't sleep for ages after because I was so turned on. Usually though we don't mention anything to do with feelings or sex. Just general updates which is reassuring because I didn't want everything to change after seeing him. I did however go out and get horrendously drunk one night with a friend and may have sent him some emotive messages. I pretty sure he thought it was hilarious though, as did I, once my hangover had subsided.... I really need to learn to stop being a 'lover' when I drink! 

Anyway, things are okay, just need to get through the next week or so with a holiday and wedding with M... 

The BIG update...

This is my first current post on this blog (the others have been carried over from a previous blog) and it has taken me four weeks to get my head together and write this update as so much as happened.

I moved in with M despite knowing that things were not right. I guess I did it because I wanted to make them work even though it has been increasingly obvious that he cannot give me what I need or want from life. All we do is fight. And then he shouts, and I cry. We don't have sex, at all. He simply is not interested. This, according to my friends, is a reflection on him and not on me. Simply put, he is a sorry excuse for a man when he had a good girl in his life.

I decided against my better judgement to go and see The Boy four weeks ago. I told M that others would be there. But I lied; it was just me and him. I got there absolutely shattered after being abroad for four nights. He was wonderful. We just sat chatting and he fed me blueberries to make me laugh. The interesting thing is that even though we hadn't seen each other for a year, things were still exactly the same. I still feel funny when he looks at me or says my name (something that M never does) and that confused me a bit. We went out for dinner and drinks and halfway through the evening he turned around and said 'I guess I'm going to lose my bet with BF'. BF is his best friend and apparently he told him that The Boy would end up marrying me. After that he told me that I was 'the one', that he wanted to be with me, that no one else has come close and I'm his perfect girl...

He has reservations (distance, the fact that I am a career girl and he wants someone to settle down and have babies with) and under the influence of copious amounts of beer he informed me that he'd move to be with me. I listened to all of this and didn't know what to say. Yes, I feel the same way, but it scares me beyond all recognition that he said those things to me. I was okay and had dealt with not being with him, and things not working, but now, that has been blown out of the water.

The next morning I asked him if he meant what he said, and he said yes. Then we kind of agreed that neither of us is sure how is it going to work, at least for the foreseeable future. We live 90 minutes away from each other. He no longer has a car and for the next few years he will be studying hard for his chosen career path. I am 28, have a brilliant new teaching job and have just moved into a city that I love. I am not willing to put that on the line and similarly I don't want him to change his plans for me. I think what will be, will be and eventually things will work out exactly as they should. If they don't then it's not the end.

I met his parents in the afternoon which was a significant thing for both of us. They haven't met any of his lady-friends before and I hadn't met them, so I was nervous. They are exactly like him and so obviously proud of him and how well he is doing with his studies (something that his mum and I agree on). They were lovely though, and maybe in the future we will meet again. Who knows?

I left after lunch and we both said that we adored each other. I've told him that I won't use the word 'love' until we're in a proper relationship. I drove home for 2.5 hours in tears, overwhelmed by absolutely everything.

I got home, back to M's flat and went to bed, not sure how to react to him. He came in and didn't hug me or anything. That was the moment that I was absolutely certain that we needed to break up. So I am currently typing this from the spare room where I will reside for the next six months before I move after Christmas. M and I are not together, he knows nothing of the heartache with The Boy and all he has asked is that we don't date other people until I move. We are still going to do things together, but as friends. That's all. The last three weeks of this have been hideous and now, we're going away for four nights that I booked pre-break up. Should be fun....

An illness...

Original post: Wednesday 8th May 2013

I currently am off work as I have glandular fever. Leaves me a lot of time to ponder and think about how best to move on for my own happiness in the future. So last night I was laying in bed thinking about M and The Boy. Quite simply, as I told one of my friends at the weekend, I'm scared that I'm going to walk down the aisle on my wedding day to M (we've talked about the future) and at the moment, I'm scared that I'll wish that it was someone else I was marrying and not him.

 

The reason I feel this? Because sometimes he is so thoughtless to the type of boyfriend that I need. I need someone that takes into account my feelings and makes me an obvious part of their life. When he acts in that way, I say something to him and he goes mad at me because he doesn't understand and we argue in the most horrific way. Anyway, I digress...

I guess the key for me is my happiness. I want to be myself again. Maybe that's why I talk to The Boy, he just makes me laugh so much. We are so similar in some respects. Just at the wrong point in our lives, I guess. The reason why I stay with M is because I want him to be the perfect guy, I never would have committed to him otherwise. It's due to that commitment that I stay around now...

A year on: The Boy

Original post: Tuesday 7th May 2013

As mentioned in the previous post, in order to be with M, I felt like I had to give up/let go all of my feelings aboutThe Boy. I did it at the beginning when things were good with M. But for the last 5 months I've felt myself being more and more drawn back into my old feelings with The Boy. We still speak on most days, and nothing has ever happened/will happen because I really don't want to cheat but I kind of thought that if I'd found someone else he wouldn't want to know/I'd not need to speak to him anymore. Turns out I do... 

I make a point not to speak to him about M as I don't think it is fair. I dreamt about him the other night, woke up with a big smile of my face because it was so funny. Lately I haven't been smiling about being with M because I really don't feel like he cares about me at all. With The Boy and I it was so simple when we were together. With M, I always feel like its a struggle being happy with him.

A year on: M

Original post: Tuesday 7th May 2013

I have a boyfriend, M. We've been together for a year. I never thought I would give up The Boy for anyone but I did. Things haven't gone smoothly though. At the start they were perfect. Now they're a mess and I really don't know whether to stay with someone that offers me a future but at the same time doesn't make me feel like the 'One'. Seems like we stay together because he realises that he couldn't do any better (everyone says it, including his friends) and I stay because I hope he will change and be the person I need. Only time will tell...

May 2012: The Boy and meeting M

Original post: Thursday 9th May 2013

Earlier I deleted a post about the Boy and what happened when I last saw him. Basically last May (2012), I saw him two weekends in a row. The first weekend was the last weekend of football. So we watched the last day of the season with his friends, played this insane drinking game and ended up stumbling upstairs together where... And again...

That evening he told me that I was perfect. And that he basically understood me and that for him, no one else has come close. I tried to be as honest as I could back, and I left the next day feeling bittersweet but okay about it.

The following week he invited me back over for the CL final. My team bloody won the thing, but I stupidly got battered and even to this day, I can't remember a lot of the game. His friends and him were not that drunk and so, I felt ridiculously drunk next to their sobriety. Even now I cringe... The next day I was incredibly hungover, we had a relatively good time and I left...

By this point I had not only dated other people but I'd also just started texting M on the day before the second weekend. My life was spiralling out of control in terms of emotions but I guess for me, I couldn't stay away from The Boy... I needed to almost see him just one final time. The first weekend was absolutely amazing and showed me exactly what I deserved. I had a feeling then that M would become something special, and maybe visiting The Boy was to prepare me for that.

Two years on: The Boy

Original Post: Sunday 29th April 2012.

I've been dating. Lots. I've had so much fun and visited areas of the north that I've never been to before. Also went climbing with a guy and broke my elbow. Wonderful...

Moving on...

The Boy and I have been in contact. I am going to see him and his friends in two weeks time. Possibly will be the last time. He is moving house at the end of the year. Also his wonderful friends graduate this year. It just so happens it will be the last day of the football season when I visit. It will be an absolute riot of fun. He will no doubt attempt to get involved and know nothing...

I know it is going to be good seeing him, his friends know and one of them posted online earlier that I was visiting and duly invited to join in the football banter. I just wonder what the sex will be like....

In the words of Lana...

'It's you, it's you, it's all for you, everything I do, I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you...'

Cannot believe it has now been two years...

One of my friends said to me the other day:

'Accepting something and it not hurting are two different things'.

She was right. I accept it, and I know we could not be together, but it still hurts...

Music and Lyrics

Original post: Sunday 19th February 2012.

I am always surprised how songs remind me of certain people/situations. For instance 'Paradise city' by Guns & Roses is mine and my best friends' song. When I hear it, or she does, one of us will contact the other and we proceed to dance our way through the song regardless of where we are. It reminds me of when life was simplier and having fun was all we cared about.

Interestingly the person who many songs remind me of is The Boy. I think this is because we always listen to music together (and we have the same taste) and additionally we have a thing about texting/inboxing each other lyrics of songs which remind us of the other. That said, my major problem now, is those songs are the ones that I still want to listen to because they are my favourites but additionally they are also ones that remind me of him. Here are some artists/songs/lyrics which remind me of him:

1. All I Want Is You - U2.
 Our ultimate song. We had amazing sex to this once, and since then for both of us, it has been the one that always is our song.

2. Your Beautiful - James Blunt.
Not a favourite of mine but he sang it to me at the beginning to try and get into my bedroom. It didn't work!

 3. Adele - 21 album -
I'll Be Waiting - 'Time against us. Miles between us. Heavens cried I know I left you speechless'
Rolling in the Deep - 'We could have had it all...you had my heart inside your hands and you played it to the beat'
One and Only - 'I don't know why I'm scared, because I've been here before, every feeling every word I've imagined it all.'


 4. Cryin' - Aerosmith.
 'It's down to me, I've got to tell you one thing, that's been on my mind, oh I've got to say, we're partners in crime, you've got that certain something, what you give to me, takes my breath away'...

5. Everlong - Foo Fighters. 'And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could feel this real forever, if anything could feel this good again...'

6. Lana Del Rey -
Born To Die - 'Come take a walk on the wild side, let me fuck you hard in the pouring rain, you like your girls insane',
Blue Jeans - 'Blue jeans, white shirt, walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn'.
Dark Paradise - 'And there's no remedy for memories your face is like a melody; it won't leave my head'.

7. With or Without You - U2 -  Another text special. Sent to me because he heard it:
 'See the stone set in your eyes, see the thorn twist in your side, I wait for you...'
I think Bono wrote this to describe me and The Boy. It simply for me is exactly how I feel


 As you can see, this is a long list, and by no means exhaustive.

I love music, so much. But sometimes it is so inconvenient when trying to get over someone...

This hurts and it's hard...

Work hell...

Original post: Tuesday 7th February 2012

So I've been in work hell for the last few days. There has been massive amounts of work to do as we have an inspection so it's all a little crazy...

I have had a lot of contact from The Boy. We were chatting online on Saturday night. Then on Sunday, he text me out of the blue during a football game I was watching with Perfect Ten. I just sent some banter back. Then yesterday, he randomly inboxed me saying that 'iPod shuffle strikes again, 'all the promises we make from the cradle to the grave'...'

Basically the song is our song; U2 - All I want is you. It's a killer for me, I hate hearing it now. It just reminds me of him and a time where things were less complicated. I guess he feels the same, that or he is playing games.

Just so many things that remind me of him...

Thinking... <3

The perfect Sunday with The Boy...

Original post: Thursday 2nd February 2012

I saw the boy on Sunday and pretty much had the perfect day...

We watched the tennis, a bit of football, had amazing banter, laughed a lot, ate... oh and other stuff, a lot. :)

I kind of forget when I don't see him like that just how well we get on. In addition, how really, this is how it should be...

I've said in previous posts how well I get on with his friends. His best friend text The Boy during the day saying I had to make me stay over because he wanted to see me. I didn't stay over (had to teach in the morning) but I stayed pretty late. His BF said that we would end up getting married. I said no way, as (and this explains everything) I would give the Boy everything and he could give me nothing back in return. The Boy's response... 'Hell yeah'. Immature!

I sit and wonder what it would be like in a few years when he is ready to settle down (he is still playing around but it really doesn't bother me) but then I think, why should I wait? I know he feels the same as me so what the hell are we doing? If he was emotionally ready then I would be with him in a heartbeat, but realistically I know that I'm probably going to meet someone else before he does...

My friends are not happy about me going over there. I guess they are trying to protect me because they know that I compare everyone to him. Maybe I do, but at least my standards are high so when the guy comes along then I will know...

Finance guy ended it on Monday, I was relieved. I knew it wouldn't have worked anyway. There was no spark at all. Especially after seeing The Boy on Sunday. It wouldn't be fair to pretend that everything was okay.

I know one day I will give The Boy up. I've just got to meet the guy. Perfect Ten got pretty close, and I was willing to give up The Boy. However that ended and now we are just friends. I'm seeing him this weekend actually, to watch the football. I'm going to be truthful and tell him everything about The Boy from the beginning. I couldn't do that before, I was too scared of fucking it up. Now at least I can be honest with him and see what he says I should do...


In the words of Lana....


Feet don't fail me now
Take me to the finish line
All my heart, it breaks every step that I take
But I'm hoping that the gates,
They'll tell me that you're mine
Walking through the city streets
Is it by mistake or design?
I feel so alone on a Friday night
Can you make it feel like home, if I tell you you're mine
It's like I told you honey

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words
This is the last time
Cause you and I, we were born to die

Lost but now I am found
I can see but once I was blind
I was so confused as a little child
Tried to take what I could get
Scared that I couldn't find
All the answers, honey

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words,
This is the last time
Cause you and I
We were born to die
We were born to die
We were born to die

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don't know why
Keep making me laugh,
Let's go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words
This is the last time
Cause You and I
We were born to die
We were born to die

The Boy... Six months later (Jan 2012 edition...)

Original post written: Tuesday 24th January 2012


So since August The Boy and I have kept in contact regularly. Mainly asking about work etc. Just nice, normal conversation. Then in December when I met Mr Perfect Ten I freaked out. The Boy had texted and I decided to see him one last time. Big mistake: At this point I hadn't slept with Mr Perfect Ten and I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't seen The Boy...

Drove to see him in December before Xmas, got there at 1am... Crazy sex all night, then he asked why my friends hated him. So I told him about the abortion. Told him how I felt, how he makes me feel, and basically just laid my cards on the table. Then I said I thought I had met the guy (Mr Perfect Ten)...
He reacted pretty well. I think he's finally grown up and understood how much he had hurt me in the past and how much I had gone through without him knowing (the abortion). Afterwards, we had the most amazing sex ever. When we were lying down after, he kept saying 'Wow, wow'. I left the next day saying I would keep in touch, but for me, that was it... I honestly think he understood.
Obviously I got back, had terrible sex with Perfect Ten and we broke up. The Boy knows about this and said I need to visit. After Mr Indie he said I had to. So this Sunday I am going, just for some fun, because he makes me laugh and we have a good time together.

This is going to be interesting if I see him I think, mainly because he knows now that I am dating older men, and I'm not sure he likes it, mainly because they have ten years on him. Additionally because he knows I'm trying to replace him and the fact that my sex-scale is named after him... He's a 10 on the scale and everyone else is simply competing to be as good as him. Brummie got close in terms of skills but The Boy has the emotional, magnetic attraction too and that cannot be taught.

Six Months Later

Original Post: Tuesday 24th January 2012

I lost a lot of weight from teaching full time, people are telling me I am too thin. I feel great though!

And then there are matters of the heart....

I've dated a lot since I moved up north. I think I finally realised that I needed to let other guys in after only sleeping/seeing The Boy for 18 months. It was hard to begin with, but a lot of fun...
I dated a guy from Birmingham in October. By far the naughtiest man I've ever been with.. We did Skype sex, video exchanges and lots of other things. However we live too far away for anything to be long-term so I let that go pretty quickly.

Then there has been:..

1. Perfect 10 - Dated him for just over a month, perfect looking, no connection in bed and didn't really want to commit. Argument and then it was over just before I went away at Xmas. I was sad, now I can see it would never have worked (see the next post as to why)...

2. Indie - Random find.  Told me I was the girl, text me constantly 24/7, then we saw each other everything was great, lots of banter. And then it didn't work. He lived far, far away, at least 3 hours. Not good.
3. Mr Finance - My current date. Super tall. Okay but no real spark... waiting for the electricity so to speak.

 So I am dating Mr Finance... Oh and seeing The Boy on Sunday...

Mixed

Original post: Monday 22nd August 2011

As you know, I moved into my new flat up north last week. I bought a car last week too and posted a photo on Facebook for my friends to see.

Of course The Boy had to comment. All my friends saw the comment and it was taking the piss out of me having P plates. This, coming from the guy that drives a GOLD car... Seriously?!

Moving on, my friends say that he is in love with me. I don't think so. Love to me means that there are three essential ingredients: Passion, intimacy and commitment. The Boy does not have/want the latter.

Chatted him today online to basically fight my corner over my plates. It was fine, he seems just normal with me which is good.

You and I...

The reply to the text...

Original post: Sunday 14th August 2011

I text back The Boy last night. Remember that he had said he wished he lived closer to Bournemouth? Well here are the replies...

Me: Heard 'Your beautiful' by Mr Blunt today, just not as good as a certain someone drunkenly singing it to me... xx


The Boy: What can I say? I have a gift ;P.. xx

Me:  Maybe, personally I think your talents lie elsewhere.
The Boy:  Well lets see what Napa has to say about that...xxx
Me: Your going to Napa? How very old school. Enjoy, I'm moving tomorrow. xxx



I don't think he will reply. He has no need to. He now knows that I am moving up north today and therefore will be 2 hours plus away from him. However, and this is something that has confused me, why did he text the other day? He knew then that we were far away, he said he wished he lived closer to Bournemouth. What was the point?


Sometimes I fantasise that one day we will be together. Then I know, the reality is that it will not happen. For me, he ticks all the boxes and he just does *it* for me. However there is one problem, and that is his age. He is simply not ready to be in a relationship like the one I want. This is why I think I react well to him sleeping with other women, seeing other girls, because I know that one day he will not want to do that and now he is 'getting it out of his system'.


I used to feel like I'm selling out if I do not wait for The Boy. Recently though, and it has taken me a long time to get this far, I have realised that right now, he is not good for me. I need someone to pick me up and cocoon me in a warmth of love.
This means I need to let The Boy go....

The Boy, 2011 (Jan-August) edition

Original post written on 13/08/2011


The Boy visited in late-January. Bad move, never again; terrible sex (first time for everything as it was always amazing),  I didn't feel much for him (taking a wild guess here but I think after December anything was going to be weird when we both realised we liked each other). Also, I got pregnant from our encounter.

He doesn't know. I hope I never have to tell him. I knew he agreed with abortion and never would have gone through with it without his consent otherwise. I was 14 weeks, huge, pregnant with twins (thank you pre-abortive scan) and went through the damn thing alone. However, I have never regretted my decision or hated him for it. I just think it was something that happened and I dealt with it. It wasn't nice, I almost failed teacher training because I got so sick after it, but I did it. Moving on...

We had no contact from the end of January - May. I tried, but he really wasn't interested and I think he had a lot on with his studies (he does a high-flying intensive course at Uni) and perhaps maybe a girl on the scene I thought at the time. Now though, I sincerely think he was just rather busy and things were weird in Jan. I digress...

I finally saw him in June. I had been texting/keeping in contact with him and his wonderful friends from May.
Spent the night with him at a party at Uni. He was severely intoxicated that evening, followed me around and told me he loved me. Went home together, etc... The next morning, nothing... He apparently couldn't remember saying anything to me, I didn't push him (and I certainly did not tell him what he said to me). Whether he can't remember (or can) is anyone's guess. The problem of us showing our true feelings to each other is something that has been around from the beginning and to be honest, I am tired of trying to figure it out after 18 months...

I left him in June 2011 knowing that unlike June 2010, it would not be so easy to see him. I was now a qualified teacher and had a job up north, a considerable distance from Uni and his hometown down south. He knew and still knows that I will not make the effort to see him if he doesn't do the same in return. The last thing I said to him as I kissed him on the cheek was 'I will see you, it is inevitable'. He nodded...I think we both know that distance will not keep us apart for another year... It will have to be something stronger (this...is the rest of my story later!)

By my birthday a month later in July 2011 (after sitting and thinking about him throughout June) I came to a conclusion; If he did not wish me a 'happy birthday' then that was it. I would, and i really meant my promise, get over him.

9.30PM on my birthday? guess who texts me the most banterous, hilarious, made-me-smile-so-thoughtful message? THE BOY.


I replied, then nothing.... Until last night, a month later... The Boy heard our song (U2 - All i want is you), and had to text me and tell me about it. I text him asking what it made him feel. He said 'like I wish i lived closer to you'.

The Boy, 2010 edition

Original post written on 13/09/2011

It is important that you understand the background of the 'situation' as I will call it...

So... in the words of Taylor Swift 'the Story of Us'....

End of March 2010: Went on a night out at my Uni (I was in my final year then). I had a brilliant night and at the end one of my friends showed me my 'perfect guy' who was dressed as Aladdin. We exchanged numbers (no kissing/physical contact). And that was it... I met The Boy. He was absolutely hammered and cannot remember that meeting, even now.

I was leaving Uni to start teacher training in June so from the beginning with The Boy I told him that I just wanted someone to hang with. However I said to him that I didn't want to be the girl who he just slept with at  the end of the night when he couldn't pull. This, for me, meant that neither of us thought that it was acceptable for us to play outside each other. To kind of seal the deal, I made him wait for sex. We didn't sleep together until the May, and kudos to him, I put him through a lot. However, and I've got to say this, it...was...and....still...is...the...best...sex...of...my...life.

The Boy is called The Boy because he is so young. Five years younger than me if we are being statistical. However, we *click* and this is something that I wasn't bargaining on. I fell for him during our time together, but I knew at the same time that nothing would be permanent  between us because I was leaving/finishing university and starting my teacher training. 

I broke it off in June 2010, after a few weeks,  because (and he doesn't know this) I guessed that he had been with other girls. I later had this verified by his friends who are (and I think this is a testament to him as a person) the loveliest group of guys and I genuinely liked them as people.


When I left in June 2010, I honestly thought that was it. I got a job for the summer and tried to forget that it had happened. However my girlfriends all said to me that I did the right thing. I still maintain that I did. For me, with The Boy, he is not the same as other guys from my past. I totally understand him as a person, I know that he is young and wants to be free. However I also know how much he enjoys having a girl around. He is selfish, totally insecure but at the same time all of these qualities are endearing and I accept them because I know what he does is not done out of spite because he is a player or a bad person. He is just young, naïve and wants to have fun and not miss out. This, from my point of view is fine and I would be a terrible person for wanting him to be any different.

At the end of August 2010, he contacted me one late night after work, asking how I was. To cut a long story short, I saw him a few days later, he told me he had missed me and didn't know what to do about it, he stayed over. We kept in contact over the next month or so. He then got a girlfriend from his course at university and surprisingly, and this is weird considering my feelings, I was so happy for him. I knew he genuinely liked her and I thought it was good for him. It didn't last with them, she basically couldn't trust him I think, which considering his reputation at the time would be difficult for any girl of his age.

After they broke up, The Boy got back in touch (Dec 2010) and told me that the girl from his course didn't make him feel anything like he felt like when he was with me. I guess I knew what we had was special because when were/are together I feel like this is 'it'. We compliment each other really well I think. Both very different but similar. I guess I was surprised because I didn't think that he would get 'it' (mainly due to his age). Clearly he felt something. I saw him (remember at this point we were an hour from each other, but not studying in the same place) just before Christmas 2010 and it was just like before, except I think it was better because we understood each other more. Furthermore I felt, and this is something that had developed  over the course of the year, he had become more mature with girls and a nicer person/less arrogant.


2010 ended with me and him knowing I think that it couldn't work long term, but how we were ever going to stop seeing each other, I don't think either of us knew....

A Background...

This blog is predominantly about Love.

 Previous to engineering this blog, I wrote another blog that basically became my saviour when things were tough. The first task for me is to transfer these old posts onto this blog as they are important to understand me and my life.

As for me, I am 28 year old female that currently lives in the north of England. I teach at a secondary school here and moved after I had completed my teacher training at a Russell Group university (I am originally from the south). I love the city where I live and have met my current boyfriend, M, here. We have been together for just over a year.

I am athletic, intelligent and prone to speaking my mind. I am confident and love meeting new people/experiencing new things.  I do however shut myself down emotionally when things are not going right. I am not the best writer in the world, and for that I can only apologise for future spelling/grammatical errors. I need this blog to help numb the pain of certain situations and also, as a reflective activity in the future. I believe in learning fully from the past.