Meeting R..

No one is more surprised than I am that I have met someone. His name is R and genuinely, he is one of the nicest men I've ever met. We have great banter and he is just wonderful to me and understanding. Best of all when we are together he makes me happy and it's so simple. 

I haven't spoken to TB since I left his. I don't plan to. He doesn't deserve me; boys like R do. Cannot wait for 2014 and the future...

It's over...

Done it. He's not worth it anymore. Our lives are so far apart and he doesn't treat me like I know I deserve... 

Nearly four years and on Saturday he made me feel like I was just sex, that's all he had to provide for me. Yes I need that, but I also need so much more than he can give me... So I've had enough, my mind is made up and I'm walking away, it's for the best... 

Emotions...

So I thought I'd be okay. And I'm really not. Going to make some changes so I really am okay... 

Went to see him. Standard stuff. Just TB and I being our usual selfs until this morning when he announced that he hadn't put Leeds in his top 5 places for next year. I had suspected but hadn't had this verified. I was tired and emotional and went quiet on him. Ended up crying... Again. 

Basically he said he couldn't move or expect me to wait around when he's not sure what is going to happen. He thinks that it wouldn't work with us, and if we tried, then we'd just mess it up so there is no point. 

He's going to move down south next year. I'm almost certain of this. And then I won't see him, unless I go via his on the way to my parents. But I doubt that will happen. 

I can't write anymore because I'm still so raw about it all. I'm sad because it's so obvious to me what we should do. But you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. That's life. And if one day it's right, then it will happen. 

Talking to Al...

My best friend. We had a storming row a few months ago and were totally brutally horrible/honest with each other. Since then things have been awesome. She's one of the only people that is anywhere near close to understanding me, my head and how I feel about TB. 

Today we had a long catch up conversation. And I mentioned that i have been hearing a lot from The Boy and I will be seeing him this Friday for a flying visit as I'm going to Birmingham to a party on Saturday. She's happy that I'm coping with my feelings about him now. For a long time; especially after the abortion, I couldn't cope. Now, I can deal with the fact that we're not, and may not ever be together and still have the most wonderful time with him. If we were together we'd just fuck it up now anyway, so actually a part of me just likes having the good stuff from a relationship. And 'that stuff' makes me feel rather good 😉.... I'll let you know how it goes... 

If only I had written this...

Being okay...

It's been a few weeks since I last updated. The weather has turned into winter and its best; freezing cold and sunny. 

I've been working really hard at work and trying to sort my head out so I can move forwards. Things with M have calmed down considerably and I move into my new place for a new start on Jan 3rd. That got me thinking about TB and how I need a new start/perspective on him in order for the move to feel successful.

I realise that I cannot just ignore him. It hurts too much because of my feelings. I also cannot expect anything to happen with him. Even though I know it's what both of us want. 

My new perspective is simply to take it for what it is: a great complicated relationship with the most beautiful man I've ever known. We may not end up together in the end and that is okay. I feel thankful that I've met someone that makes me feel the way he does. 

I think the next year will determine our lives for different reasons. If he moves to London then I doubt I will see very much of him and I may meet someone up here/ he will meet someone down there. However if he stays in our university town or moves to a Manchester/Yorkshire and we still see each other. Then things may become a little less complicated.

Time will tell. And to be honest, the prospect of this next year excites me. With or without him, I'm going to be okay. I'm just so thankful for experiencing the love he gives me.